my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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