I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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