oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
