Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
