it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
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A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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