Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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