Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
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If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
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Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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