dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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