You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
