fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
