What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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