The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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