Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
