I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
