im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
dude i'm inner monologue high
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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