Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
pray to the hookup gods
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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