I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
