So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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