I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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