That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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