You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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