Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
