If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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