I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
