Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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