Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
