I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
