and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
God I need to hump something, right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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