Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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