sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
