The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
