I think I won the penis lottery.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
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tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."