how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass