I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
