I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
