I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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