i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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