He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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