A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
