Someone shit on the floor
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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