Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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