You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
