if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
