My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
