Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
