i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
