I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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