Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
