some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
