The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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