I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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