Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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