Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
