When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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